if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
Randomize
