her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
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