how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
Randomize
