Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Never joke about your clitoris.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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