Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
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