im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
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