Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
Randomize
