OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Randomize