I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
Randomize
