I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Randomize