Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
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