just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
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