just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
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