Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
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