I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
It's official drugs can't kill me
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Randomize
