before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
Randomize
