The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
