And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
