Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
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