It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Randomize
