why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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