I spent a large portion of the night trying unsuccessfully to keep hayley (who was wearing a dress and no underwear) from doing handstands, but yea it was fun. the boys had fun
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
