Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
