I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
Randomize
