Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
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