Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
Randomize
