Grow some girl-balls and come out already
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
You ruined the universe
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
