did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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