I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Randomize
