Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
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