i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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