Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
Randomize
