I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Randomize
