Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Randomize
