Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
In my opinion the party was fun, but i did A LOT of cocaine so my view was a little distorted......
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
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