Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
Randomize
