I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
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