i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Randomize
