Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
Randomize
