just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
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