They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
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