Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
i will never coherently bang her
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize