she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
Randomize
