I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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