he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
Even my vagina gasped.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
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