I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
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