You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
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