I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Randomize
