Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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