I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
Randomize