i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
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