Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize
