Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
