It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
Randomize
