Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
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