my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
