Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
