i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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