No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
There's a technique?! I just slide my tongue around
i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
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