you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
Randomize
