Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Randomize
