I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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