living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
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