Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
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