I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Randomize
