It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
Randomize
