i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
I just showed my boobs to our astate representative hahahahahahha
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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