There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
Randomize
