I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
Randomize
