K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
