wanna go halves on a baby?
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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