I hate your face
i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
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